“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
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“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN