“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
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My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go