“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
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Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Saturday
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.