“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
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Realize this:
Somewhere in an alternate universe
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”