“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
You Might Also Like
This forever.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]