Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”
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Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?