Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”
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[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Finally
