Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

4: I reeeallly want Oreos!

Me: but you already had Oreos

4: no I didn’t!

Me: yeah you did

4: no I didn’t!

Me: I saw you eat them

4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks