Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
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Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
This was my dad’s browser history.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.