Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
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In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I stand by it
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
How to make infinite energy.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.