Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

Me: Where’s Ken?

3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.

I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715