Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”

Person: “Converse.”

Me: “We’re already talking.”

Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”

They will drive… super carefully.

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…

…it’s just me, taking the stairs

A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired

Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

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