Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

make up your mind

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.

Me: Okay, but is that right or left?

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia

Me: what’s that???

Doctor: exactly what it sounds like

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over