Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
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Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions