Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
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Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!