“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
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“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
#DesignFail
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
inventing words: clothing
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means