“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
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I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in