“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
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of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*