“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
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Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.