Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
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When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.