Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
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“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker