Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
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The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.