Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
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Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months