Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
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T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning