Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
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“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Children of the Corn Man
