where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
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The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny