Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:

Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*

I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

grocery bagger: paper or plastic?

me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.

pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.