Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
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Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.