Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

making sure he doesnt get away

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role