where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
You Might Also Like
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.