“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
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Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Meow
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan