Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point

[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

i could never be president. im overqualified.

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

Wife: Give me $50

Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy

W: Eh?

M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers

W: IDIOT

M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!

W: I despise you

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.