Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
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[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
never compromise your values
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”