Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

This is me 🤣🤣

you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

It be like that sometimes 😆

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

🏙👨🏼

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

*blowing up your phone at 3am*

I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

*exercises sarcastically*

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school