Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

ATMs should have breathalyzers

I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.