Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
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Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
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Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink