Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

😂👽

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

next question.

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

Horrifying if literal: foot locker

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”