Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
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One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.