Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
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Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter