Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

[in court during a murder trial]

hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG

me: right here

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.

This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂

Does this dress make me look cat?

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

how to exercise your calf muscles

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.

I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.