Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

*lays down on the battlefield*

You all go on without me. I’m tired.

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?

My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”

When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

How do dragons blow out candles?

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down