Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
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Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.
Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.