Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

A tragic love story in two pictures.

One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”