Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
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Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson