Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

Cop: you get one phone call

me: [dials 911] help

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.

[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.

In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.

It’s either sink or swim.

#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?