Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
You Might Also Like
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.