Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
You Might Also Like
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.