Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
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If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”