Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.

I’m pretty like a car crash.

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right