Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him

Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.

A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.

“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only three,” I replied.

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.