Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
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[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut