Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
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Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
lmao
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries