Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.

If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.

Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi