Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: OK now i need fresh fruit

Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.

Me: No fresh fruit

Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect

No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that