Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

You look like you would fail a DNA test

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.

Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”

I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

こいつ天才

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”