@nuttywhippet

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it

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@anjeanettec

The best thing about being over 25 is that no one can find embarrassing Youtube videos of you as a kid.

@iwearaonesie

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

@CantWaitToNap

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

@PonyboyGA

The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.

There will be no coffin at his funeral.

@candyflippin

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

@gojarbe

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL