The best thing about being over 25 is that no one can find embarrassing Youtube videos of you as a kid.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it
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MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
Eggs. Dyed for our sins.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants