Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

I’d love this…lol

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)

They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

This made me chuckle cuz mood

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*

her: I said it’s *petrified* wood

me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me