where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
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Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Realize this:
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
More like Kate Missington.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Good morning
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.