where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
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Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Hot Hot Hot
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops