Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

That eye roll….

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

Cyber Monday has become too commercialized

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.