“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
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I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED