“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
You Might Also Like
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Bear knowledge
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait