“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
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Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I have good problem solving skills, but my problem creating skills are where I really shine.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school