“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
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“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
men, we mow at sunrise.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that![]()
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
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You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions