Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
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What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
This rocks
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
no way 😭
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.