@Thynebear

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

You Might Also Like

@withanewname

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win

@TheToddWilliams

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

@ozzyunc

You’re soft. You don’t know what Sesame St was like before Elmo.

[Flicks cigarette.]

@SCbchbum

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

@GreenishDuck

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

@EvanJKessler

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

@tsunami__7

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

@GuyThe_Guy

Autocorrect just turned “stepdaughter” into “lying manipulative drug addict that lives in the basement and brings dudes in thru the slider”