Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
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cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack