Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
You Might Also Like
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Alexa turn off the planet
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.