“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
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Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
*lint rolls you awake*
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Do one thing every day that scares people.