“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
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Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.