“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
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Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.