“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
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I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
You better watch out
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
😩😩😩
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.