Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

Now who done made this a sport lmao

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

philosophical skeletons be like