Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

*waving two guns around menacingly*

WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.

It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy

* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me

“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.

My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.