Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-

ME: *slams on brakes*

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.