Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
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Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.